These couples of months have been undesirable for me as there are lots of emotions incorporated in it... Joy, anxiety, pressured, depressed, emptiness, etc...
I cant seem to describe how I feel. I'm not good at expressing myself... There arent many words in my dictionary to describe this feeling whereby you always have to spare a thought for others' feelings... But yet, sometimes you just dont get back the same return. Is that what they call "Brotherhood"? or "Friendship"?? Or I just shouldnt even expect any return?
Define friendship. Is it a form of assurance that they will be by your side forever, be it happiness or sadness? Is it a sort of trust and feeling that you know you can trust the other that whatever they do, it's for your best interest? Or is that wrong? Self-interest comes first? Friends, do they lose the bond by simple reasons like: lack of time, lack of communication, and lack of contact??? I choose Solitude... A form of revenge? Perhaps... Or maybe, I dont wish to be hurt anymore. I hate the feeling of losing friendship.
Define promises... does it mean that since promises are made by man, man is able to break it? So in the first place, why bother to make promises? To others, what they say at times are the so-called "say say only" but I treat them seriously. I expect them to do it. Been waiting for what they promised or rather, say they will do. I'm wrong. I shouldnt treat them seriously only to end up in disappointment.
Define love. What exactly love is? How does one know if they are in love? I dont know and I dont wish to know for the time being. There are many who are blissfully in love and there too, many who are single and living happily. I belong to the latter. I admit that I do feel lonely and I do get jealous of those blissfully attached at times, I'm afraid of falling in love. I'm afraid of getting hurt but I'm worried that I'll be all alone in my late years. Am I thinking too far ahead? Haha...
I'm so damn complicated... I want to be independent, yet wish to be dependent on others, I want to speak but prefer to be heard, I want my friends to open up to me, yet I cant do so myself, I wish to open up to others but I fear betrayal, I want to be young forever but yearn to be grown up, I want to be confident yet not arrogant, I want to be fearless but I'm a coward, i want to prove myself, yet i lack the courage, I want to be appreciated but hate being taken for granted, I want to follow my heart, but my brain or the situation don't allow me to... Haha... I'm just troublesome.
Like what my blog name, "Inner Thoughts", these are what I'm feeling and thinking these few months...