Yoz, it's me again..... Have the urge to blog and here I'm here again~~~ I'm going to go on and on, to continue typing and type our my thoughts, hence guess it's be full of errors and mistakes. But hack care, I'm just going to do that. =)
I'm actually reading this blog www.gabifresh.com and was wowed by her confidence and strong sense of fashion. Ok... I dont really can accept her dress sense coz some style and outfit that she wore is kinda too bold for me... But somehow I love how she love herself.
When Po Po passed on, I've been thinking about her alot... And I really think back those days with her and what she had told me... I know Po Po will want me to be happy and strong and that's what I'm going to be. It's not going to be easy, I know, but I'm going to try my best. =D Gambate gal!!! I'm sure that I'm evolving and changing though it may not be seen and it may be slow.... Still remember those times when I was being teased by the guys in school, Po Po will simply wipe my tears away and told me that I'm not what they said to be. I really miss her, miss her smiles and miss how she'll bring comfort to my heart and soul.
That day as we were chatting, Kayde mentioned that I've somehow changed. Somehow I'm not that emo emo girl who's all closed up. Thinking back.... Ya... I was super emo & all closed up then when we first met. My tears can simply just flow easily, I was just trapped in my own misery world then. So, why the change ne?
I want to belive in myself, believe in Po Po's words... But somehow I cant love myself 100% (hopefully I can love myself at least a 70-80% ba...).
I can still remember how since young, mummy will bring me to a shop and the first thing she'll ask is 'What is the largest size? You have her size de?' Plus those teasing in those teen years and the past experience really shattered my self-confidence... Even that little little bit which I had was totally shattered then. Thinking about him and the past I can still feel the 酸痛... haha.. After all these years, I still feel the pain ar? Honestly.... At least the wound is slowly healing and it's 80% healed... But it's like broken glass, there'll sure to be cracks and scars which is here to stay. To be honest, behind that smile and laughter, I was somehow hurt and angered by Ray's remarks of 'You are beautiful you know.... After you lose weight and around the same size as Yushan, you'll have countless of guys 追求' Putting the car accident incident aside, his this remark makes me realised that he's not the one.
I do exercise you know... Though not as much as I needed to lose weight, but I honestly do exercise... I also try to curb my craves and keep a watch on my diet. Days when I wanna eat but I just drink water, thinking that I should not be eating. It's wrong to eat.... Days when I kept to a strict diet and exercise schedule, I can only lose a few kg.... It's never fair.... Those slim and skinny girls eat much more than me, physical level is lousier that me but they just dont face these kind of critism.
Plumb people like us have feelings too. We are human, not some kind of monster..... Take some time to understand us better, look at our qualities and appreciate us before its too late...
Recent year(s), I'll try to doll myself up and looked my best before heading out to meet my friends. I do try to put in efforts to look my best too... Things like.... Putting on make-up to cover my flaws... Dressing up etc..... But before I can go out, I've to face my parent's glare and judgement.... Days when I do put in efforts to doll up (non-jeans and tees), they will glare at me from head to toe, looking as though I'm a monster, an alien..... Dad will use his '毒舌' and 不留余地，也不留情地 tell me what I'm horrible-looking. It's seems that I have nothing nice to look at all, all from my face to my body and all the way to my toes. Perhaps all they saw was a round fat face, rough thick neck, a 6 mths preggie tummy with a fat bum and a pair of fat thighs.... When will they all love me for who I am? When will they give me that little bit of confidence and encouragement? I will never understand why are they so judgemental towards me... I'm very self-conscious and have low self-esteem.... I really takes their words seriously... Family, friends.... So, I can never like what my cussie said, 'IGNORE them and if you like it, and if you like what you see in that outfit, just wear it with confidence'....
I wonder and dono when....But...
I truly hope I can look at myself in the reflection and truely love myself (no matter what others say).
I hope to be healthy despite being on the higher end of the scale (of course, it would be best if I can slim down and be a normal M size gal lar, but I somehow lost hope in that already).
I hope when I can smiled at those who find me fat and gave them a ‘I love my body, I accept who I am’ philosophy talk.
I hope I can find a good man who can see beyond the physical and love me for who I am, and at the same time, I love him who he is... I hope that good man will tell me that he see all my good traits, and they are beautiful and I am beautiful too? I just want to be beautiful his eyes....
I hope one day I will find truly inner peace with myself, self love and really appreciate my body.
I hope I can walk with my head up high and truly proud of myself.
I really do not wish to pretend to be a strong girl anymore.